Lack any sort of creative spark for writing, but I figure I should at least get down the basics of what occurred in Vegas and perhaps learn from the mere experience of putting it down on blog.
First: The trip was immensely solipsistic. Being alone in Vegas is a bit of a soul crushing experience. Everything in Vegas is opposed to the solo traveler. The drunken idiots stumbling about everywhere with their drunken friends, even the families, even the hookers, they all leave one with a sense of utterly irrevocable loneliness. The few times I stumbled home drunk myself, alone like an incredible idiot, I realized that the point of Vegas is not to be in Vegas, but to do silly things with your friends in Vegas. So, the city held basically nothing for me except poker.
As poker took hold as the only thing in my life, I began to lose hold of myself when I started to lose. I lost patience and played even worse. I always overthought live poker, but it got even worse as I started to lose more. Most importantly, I couldn't cope with the losses like I could with online play. In online play perhaps I would play for a few hours, lose some money, and then get my mind off of it by doing other things, relying on the support of my native city and friends and doing so quite easily and naturally. Unfortunately, in Vegas I had no such recourse. Thus I found myself constantly within myself...moping, analyzing, and losing the spirit that I had when I first embarked on this trip. I became negative towards myself and my game, and this had crippling effects on the rest of the trip.
Now I stand home, a poorer but wiser man. I'm not sure how I will cope with losing in live play while I am traveling, if I still end up going on my road trip that is. But I realize I need to take breaks, relax more, and do whatever I need to do to keep my head up high. All that said...I'm not sure if I actually can do that. Right now, I feel quite low. My hopes for the trip have diminished. My future looks a bit bleak. I worry happiness is not something I will aquire anytime soon.
Friends and Women are the two final pieces to this puzzle. I can be happy being alone and successful. Especially if I can successfully embark on creative endeavors alongside poker or whatever means for money making I can find. But it's certainly not the peak of my condition. I need friends, a strong group of friends that allows comraderie and allows me to escape outside of myself. I have no clue how I will find such a group, or how long it will take. What is certain is that on this trip, I will be without it, and that can be very hard to take. This trail of thought haunts me.
I have no prospects regarding women. I don't have any optimism for the future in that regard. This trail of thought haunts me the most. I will have to become incredibly self-realized and successful to be able to live a life without companionship and to be happy with my life at all. My hopes are dimmed signficiantly.
Finally, I lack money for the trip and I can't play poker at my parents house like I planned. This is bad news. I am almost seriously considering installing a separate connection, but that would rqeuire a much longer stay at my parents than I was previously considering. Unfortunately, money concerns might force the issue. I might also move to bountiful and play there, but it is likely my sister would not be incredibly pleased with that turn of events. It is certain that I would be not too pleased, as Park City has beautiful weather to offset the loneliness and boredom...bountiful has mandarin chinese food and that's it.
The future is a bit bleak, but, things change...both world and perception change.
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